THE STEP FAMILY
This checklist is designed primarily for the couple to be joined but any concerned family member of a mature thinking state of mind can make good use of this list.
As a couple, you should sit down and go over each one of theses questions and at least comment on every one. To insure success it is important to write down your thoughts for each topic and go over them again later before stepping into the next stages of moving in together.
Self Assessment
1. Identify what our relationships requirements are?
2. Knowing your own values and requirements for a relationship is critical. Do you think
not just feel, that you meet each other requirements and complement each other in way
that will support the relationship and the children over time?
3. Have you discussed any and all “Deal Breakers”? (These are topics that you consider non negotiable.)
4. Do you believe you have what is required to move forward in the relationship?
5.Can you determine your likelihood for success as a family?
6. Are you both willing to end the relationship if at any time either of you is certain that
it is not going to work for you (or your children)? Are you willing to be “choosey” now
before you make the decision to commit, rather than settling now and becoming
demanding later, after you’ve committed?
Step Family Dynamics
7. Do you have a full appreciation of how very different stepfamilies can be?
8. Do you have an understanding of the Step Family Dynamics that you can expect to
experience in your relationship like conflict between step family members.
9. Do you have any knowledge of the stages you can expect to encounter in the evolution
of your step relationship and family members?
Parenting Styles
10. Are your parenting styles similar?
11. If they are different, have you discovered ways to work through any differences?
12. If you have very different parenting styles, do you find being tolerant of your
partner’s parenting style extremely challenging for you?
13. Are you willing to work to increase your skills in the area of frustration, tolerance,
acceptance, flexibility and negotiation?
Children
14. Do you understand and have an articulated plan for your roles with each others
children around areas including discipline, spending time, assisting with child related
responsibilities such as homework, care giving, or any financial obligations.
15. Do you have an understanding of what personally challenges each of you in relation
to issues that involve the children?
16. Do you have a general understanding of the issues you can expect will naturally
occur for each of you (as a stepparent or biological parent) in relation to the children?
Couple Strength
17. Do you agree on the importance of couple strength in your relationship and do you
have similar understandings of what it takes to nurture your relationship and keep it
strong so you are prepared for the challenges that will come your way?
18. Do you have some significant differences of opinion on when and how much time
you should spend together or apart and what types of things you want to do and or need to do together?
19. Have you discussed any activities that either of you may do outside of the family?
20. If so has this been talked about and planned for in the context of your relationship?
21. Have you recognized that in the context of relationships and families, stepfamilies in
particular, that any issues, losses, traumas or past wounds that we have experienced and
not fully healed from, have a way of being triggered or making their way to the surface?
22. Are you willing embrace this new set of relationships in your step journey as an
opportunity to learn more about yourself and heal from or resolve other issues that belong
to you?
23. Do you each take personal responsibility (no blame) for your own thoughts, beliefs, emotions and behaviors and are you each willing to explore areas for self growth
that could enhance your experience of the relationship, the family and your life as
a whole?
Home and Finances
24. Have you discussed budgeting, finances and your individual relationships to money, etc.?
25. Do you agree on the they type of budgeting and finance systems that you both use now and if they are different will you come to an agreement for the best ideas or practices?
26. Have you considered the range of responsibilities involved in sharing a home,
working outside the home, and managing the varied schedules that can come with an instant family?
27. Are you willing to assess what is required and to determine a strategy that will cover all of the bases in your situation, while being equitable and fair to everyone?
When Issues Arise
28. Are you prepared to discuss the issues that are of importance to each of you and also
any areas of conflict or potential conflict? Do you already do this successfully?
29. Do you find discussing certain issues particularly difficult?
30. Do you have the support of your children, your family, your friends, your ex spouses?
While these things are not within your control, they do serve as either risk or
protective factors in influencing the outcome of your relationship.
31. Do either of you still have outstanding legal issues that are unresolved such as
divorce, custody or support?
32. Are either of you under real financial strain at the present?
33. If so, do you have a plan to address this that will reduce the strain on your new
arrangement?
34. Do you experience ongoing conflict with your ex spouse regarding visitation, support, and parenting in general?
35. Are there other significant issues of a personal nature, that either or both of you, or
other family or step family members are presently experiencing?
36. Are you presently experiencing areas of persistent conflict in your relationship that
you have not been successful at resolving?
Note: These items are recommended areas for your consideration during coaching, and are not intended to be strict requirements. Each situation is unique and requires individual considerations with a knowledgeable self-solving procedure or help from a professional.